


Failures, Both.

by brainless_fryingpan



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-22
Updated: 2018-04-09
Packaged: 2019-02-18 14:42:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13102332
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brainless_fryingpan/pseuds/brainless_fryingpan
Summary: TRIGGER WARNING: Attempted suicide, Anxiety and panic attacks, Eating disorders, Anorexia/BulimiaWhat might've happened if Connor's yelling had affected Evan a tiny bit more?Just self projection, I might add more later.





	1. The Park

Evan wasn’t planning on trying again. Not after his embarrassing failure. But Connor’s screams in the computer lab had rushed him into the nearest bathroom. It was empty, and his already ragged breathing turned to hyperventilation the minute the stall door locked behind him. There was pressure building in his chest, and he couldn’t get his mind off Connor. He crouched on the floor, huddled in a ball, as his anxiety washed over him.

What would Connor do with the letter? Would he tell Zoe? Then she’d never like him. Then he’d never have friends. Not that he had friends now. Jared certainly wasn’t his friend. Evan was just a loser, and now the whole school would know. What if they kicked him out? Then he’d never get into university. He’d ruined his entire life. And now he had to go to therapy with the letter that he didn’t have, and he would get in trouble for it.

He couldn’t handle going to therapy right now. He couldn't. He didn’t have his letter. And he just couldn't handle being investigated and taken notes on and stared at, searching for some deeper meaning in his words. So since he couldn’t deal with it, he decided he wouldn’t. He refused. Instead he numbed out the idea, repressed it.

As that numbed, so did his anxiety. He noticed he could breathe somewhat normally again, although he was careful not to let go of the numbness. Instead he decided to walk over to Ellison state park. It was nice there, he liked it, and his mum wouldn’t be home for hours yet.

As Evan walked, he focused on moving his arms opposite to his feet. He called it autopilot. It kept him from thinking about anything, kept him in that dull stage of relief he so desperately needed. Normally he reserved it for crowds, but after his attack in the bathroom he was glad to be free of troublesome thoughts. It didn't take long for him to arrive at the park. He searched out a shaded place, far from prying eyes, and sat beneath the tree, backpack on his lap. He was looking for a snack. He hadn’t eaten today. Or the day before for that matter.

Dumping out his bag, Evan found a textbook, his phone, and the bottle of meds his mum had just gotten refilled yesterday. He put back the books and cell, but held on to the bottle. There were so many. And it hurt so much. It still did, beneath the numbness. He felt his breath catch, but he pushed it down. He considered. His mum would be devastated, of course, but it would be so much better for her in the long run. His dad didn’t care, and he had no friends. All he had to do to stop the pain was take a few little pills…

Good thing He was such a talented dry swallower.

 


	2. The Hospital

   When Connor woke up, all he could think was “Fuck, not again.” He was annoyed, to say the least. He could have sworn he’d taken more than enough, he’d done his research, he knew exactly the type and effect of the meds. He should be dead.

   A nurse noticed his open eyes, and hurried over. “ Hello, Connor! ” She managed a peppy, yet sympathetic tone, which was fairly impressive, considering the circumstances. “ That was quite a spill you took there, you’re lucky we got you when we did!”

   “When can I leave.” The nurse’s face drooped slightly at his matter of fact tone, but she answered anyhow. “When the doctor gives you the all clear. Probably at some point today. And until then, please be pleasant! You’re not the only one in this room.” With that she left, hurrying off to some invisible force.

   Connor looked over to see what she meant. Sure enough, there was another occupied bed in the room. Son of a gun. It was that kid Evan from school, cast and all. A woman he assumed was the boy’s mum sat on the side away from Connor, holding Evan’s good hand, but she appeared to be leaving, and the room became empty save for the two invalids.

   “So what are you in for?” Connor’s voice startled Evan. Evan looked over, wide eyed, as if only just now realizing who Connor was. “Uh-I’M SORRY ABOUT THE LETTER I DIDN’T MEAN IT LIKE THAT” “I know.” said Connor. “I figured that about 5 minutes after I last saw you.” An “oh.” was all Evan could manage. “So what happened?” Connor repeated his question. “Nothing” Evan said quickly. “I’m sure.” Connor smirked. “You just came here on holiday then?” “I-accidentally- I - Well why are you here anyways?” “I tried to kill myself. ” Connor’s tone was nonchalant, direct. “Oh.” Evan paused for a moment then continued , “Thats- That’s what happened to me.”

   Connor looked at Evan, with curiosity, then understanding. “That sucks.” He meant it. The silence began to creep in again, but this time it was Evan’s turn to break it. “Where’s your family? I-mean I’m sorry- I just wondered, cause I woke up first and they haven’t gotten here yet?” “They’re not coming.” Connor’s reply was flat.

   Evan didn’t have time to answer. His mum had re-entered the room, and Connor was about to turn away to leave them alone when she took notice of him « You’re awake! I’m so glad. They told me you’d pull through, but I was so worried! » Connor stared at her confused for a second before she rushed to explain. “Your name is Connor. Right? I’m Heidi, Evan’s mom.” All of this was information he could have pieced together.

   “I’m the one who found you.”

 

   As it turned out, the Hansen kid had been stupid enough to leave his cellphone on and when Evan’s mother had realized her son was missing and nowhere near where he claimed to be, she used the find my friends app to track him. Connor didn’t know how he missed the kid himself. They were only a few metres apart, Evan slightly further in. Apparently Hansen’s mum had found Connor along the way, and what with him being in a state of OD, she called EMS. She found her own son within a minute, and called back to make sure there was room for two, before starting emergency first aid (of course it was a nurse who found him).

   Some people had thought it was a suicide pact, which Connor found hilarious, considering how he doubted Hansen would willingly hurt a fly. But when the tests revealed they’d used different meds, and it became clear the two really didn’t know each other, the nurses’ chatter switched to talk about how lucky they were.

   Connor hated that. He wasn’t lucky to have survived. If anything it just made his life worse because now Cynthia would pay attention and try to parent him, and Larry would try to do things like discipline him to “keep him in line.” Connor groaned as he thought of how hard it was going to be to self medicate, or escape from them during an attack. But that was a problem for another time. 

   Evan’s mom was talking to him again. She seemed nice. “I’m Heidi by the way.” She mentioned, smiling kindly. “-I think I’ve been your nurse before actually.” Shit. Now he remembered. The first time he tried to kill himself, slitting his wrists in the tub. She’d been amazing, gotten together all these resources for his parents to look through. Larry threw them out as soon as they got home.

   “Anyways” said Heidi, “I know you’re getting discharged soon, but I just wanted to give you my email. In case you ever need someone to talk to. And if you don’t feel comfortable with that, I totally get it, but I did also give you Evan’s. It’s a mom thing I guess. I just thought you two could?” “Thanks.” Connor accepts the paper, even if it’s unlikely he’ll use it. Now he gets where the Hansen kid gets his rambling abilities.

 


	3. Emails

   Evan was back home now, over the toilet, puking. Purging was harder now with the cast, since he had to be meticulously careful not to get vomit on it. Also it meant he couldn't hold the toilet and punch his stomach at the same time. The calculator in his head was going wild. 3 days of hospital meals, plus whatever was in that IV… How many thousands of calories was that? He flopped on his bed and grabbed his phone, hoping for a distraction, and noticed the email alerts on his lock screen. There were two, both from an email he didn’t recognize. He clicked the most recent one, since it was at the top.

From: gayandhigh@gmail.com

mE IS cONNOR AS IN mURPHY AS IN hOSPOTAL mURHPY

From: gayandhigh@gmail.com

HELLO hANSEN yOUR mOTHER GAVE ME YOUR E----MAIL I DON”T THINK SHE KNOWS TEXT EXISTS i AM BORED AND MAYBE HIGH HOW ARE YOU

SINCERELY mE

Evan was confused to say the least, but he figured if nothing else, using a medieval form of communication to chat with a suicidal acquaintance was a good distraction from his current mental state. And food.

Trying to erase that last sentence from his mind, Evan hit compose and started typing.

To: gayandhigh@gmail.com

From:treehugs@gmail.com

Hi Connor? I’m okay I guess been better but like why are you high on a school night? Also y’a my mum doesn’t recognize phones as existing. I’m sorry I’m just really confused? Sorry how are you?

Evan

From: gayandhigh@gmail.com

Oh fuck

To: gayandhigh@gmail.com

From:treehugs@gmail.com

?

From: gayandhigh@gmail.com

HEY AnxietyPlus Apologies on behalf of my stoned self. They’re my better half but they’re still a dick. Anyways you are released from any obligation your mom put you up to. Go hang out with Kleinman or whatever.

**Author's Note:**

> Please comment,  
> CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM IS MY LIFESOURCE.


End file.
